actually i got lots of things to say about my trip back to malaysia
lots of things happened
like my grandpa got hospitalised due to the pain on his right chest
the talks and chit chatting i ahd with my mummy
they all impacted me alot
i just simply loves them
thou is boring to go back there
no entertainment other than the stupid Astro
dont have license to drive car or bike out
no people to accompany me
but it all worthwhile since my grandparent are quite old already
no harm spending some times with them
how i wish i know how to play mahjong
then when i go back i can play 3 legs mahjong with my grandparent
and amazingly they have a mahjong set for 3 legs mahjong wan
quite lame sia
that night was a star-less night
i wonder if the stars were affected by my emotion that they went to hide and weep behind the clouds
the rain came and the stars weep even more
thousands and thousands of "IF I have done that"
regrets in my life are dragging me
and i aint moving forward
but keep looking backward
out of the 15 grand children that my grandpa has
i believe he doted my bro most
and then followed by me
me and my bro
the day of leaving was the day
my heart melts that night
grandpa's tears was visible
and all i could see was the red watery eyes flooded with tears
when i look at him
he covered it
i was thinking "is he crying?"
i couldn't do much
because our departure couldn't be changed
all i could do is
give him a hug and tell him that we will come back soon
december
chinese new year
just for them
JUST for them
when i'm was on the bus
my mind couldn't stop thinking about it
many "IFs" arised
but nothing could be done to salvage to past
but there are still more to do to compensate
and this makes me realise the importance of kinship
i always thought if my family members faces death
i would not shed a single drop of tear
even there is one person
then it will be my grandma who brought us up
my mother's death would not affect me
my brother's death would not affect me
but i was wrong
anyone of them being brought away from the Earth
would mean alot to me
probably i would break down and cry my heart out
so many things to be done
and yet
i
am
still
indecisive
not committed
not determined
not focus
sometimes i really hate myself
"Ken, why are you like that? Why can't you just do what you ought to be doing?"
and then eventually
i will just give up
too many things to handle
too many
... ... ... ... life goes on
but Ken remain where he is
this trip back to malaysia
was a great trip
and emo trip as well
i wish someone could lend me his/her shoulder
ken is strong
always strong
appeared strong
as usual
nothing unusual
still ken will get tired and don't want to do anything anymore
all i could do now is to pray that my grandpa will live just a little bit longer
so that they can flew to Singapore to attend my graduation ceremony
and maybe stay in the hotel i would be working in
because i believe thats what they really wish to see
Pray
Pray Pray
Pray Pray Pray
Pray Pray Pray
i disappointed them many times
i hope i could make up for them
my heart aches
not just sad
but its aching
aching
for what i've done
my mummy always smiling and telling me that she believes in me
never once she said she will abandon me
my daddy always give me his fullest support
financially, a big back up
they never give up on me
whenever i ask for money
he will not say a word
but the money will just appear in my bank account
he's shouldering many, many, many burdens
taking care of grandparent
his 2 daughters studying in Australia and one in malaysia and me studying in SG
everyone gets tired
my daddy gets tired too
and i've disappointed them quite a few times
this time round
i can't afford to disappoint them anymore
sometimes i don't talk about my family
but they can be so dear to me that i do not realise it